The Evangelion Christmas Scramble
by Nikholas F. Toledo Zu
Summary: [Mayhem] Askua wakes up with weird growth on her body. What does this bode for the NERV Christmas Party?


nikholas f. toledo zu proudly presents.   
the great evangelion christmas spam   
by nikholas 'mayhem' f. toledo   
----------------------------------------- 

"AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH! Get away from me!"

Shinji shrank away, his face pale as he tried to distance himself through the bathroom wall. "A-Asuka! WHAT THE HECK IS THAT? IS THAT CONTAGIOUS OR SOMETHING?"

"I don't know, dammit!" the second child moaned. "Now how can I pilot my EVA? How can I go to school? How can I face Kaji-kun? My social life's ruined!"

Misato slammed the door open. "It's too early! What the heck is going---" She stepped back. "Gosh, Asuka! What happened to you?"

"I don't know..." Asuka replied, looking at herself in the mirror. "God! It itches!"

"Stop that!" Misato ordered. "Doing that won't make it go away." Then she added as an afterthought, "and Shinji, what she has isn't contagious. But you'll get it, in a few years or so, and it'll look like the one your father has..."

"WHAT?" Shiji screamed. "It's going to look like my father's? His is a little bit misshappen. Why shouldn't it grow like Asuka's? I've never seen anything so...so well formed."

"YOU AREN'T HELPING ME ONE BIT!" Asuka grabbed a nearby razor and tried fiercely to get rid of the growth she had found on her body. "AAK! It's growing again! What the heck is wrong with me?"

"I'd dare say..." Misato tried to force back a laugh, "You've grown up to be a fine young man, Soryuu Asuka Langley."

Asuka glared once more at the two of them, her full growth of hair on the lower half of her face looking ridiculous in the morning sunshine, and slammed the door shut. "I'm going to get rid of this even if it kills me."

"Uh..." Misator looked at Shinji's young face and realized something. "Asuka... I'd like to tell you that the razor you're using..."

"SHUT UP!"

-----

Ritsuko almost dropped her cup of coffee. "WHAT? Asuka's grown a beard?"

"Full grown in fact, with a mustache," Misato replied. "You'd swear she was a guy. Never seen anything like it. That is, anything that wasn't fake."

She gave a weary sigh. "You should have seen the ruckus she made at home when she found out that someone switched her facial clenser with a tub of hairgrower. If she finds the people who did it..." she did not bother to explain what was going to happen. "Think it will affect her performance as a pilot?"

Ritsuko thought for a while. "Not really... There's a small matter of a reduced syncro rate since she's going to think of how she looks when she pilots the EVA---"

Her voice suddenly trailed off. "You know, I just got an idea..."

Misato got scared of the sudden intense look on Ritsuko's face as she stood up to leave. "Where are you going?"

"To Commander Ikari," she replied mysteriously. "This is going to be good news to him..."

-----

In Commander Ikari's windowed (understatement) room, the afformentioned person placed one of his phones back on the cradle and wearily slumped back on his chair.

"Having any luck?" asked Fuyutsuki.

Gendo replied with one of his long winded philosophical discussions. "Mankind's evolution is strange isn't it? Throughout history, it had always been the survival of the fittest. A long time ago, a man had to be fit or die. Because of science, man has no need to be fit physically anymore, for he has machines to do the work for him. Now, man is fit only because it is fasionable to be fit, and he pays good money to do this, wereas before, it came free."

Fuyutsuki didn't quite catch his drift this time. "So what's your point?"

"There aren't any fat guys in the whole of NERV..." Gendo said gravely. "Nor in Committee, nor in the whole of Tokyo-3, nor the entire blasted Evangelion Universe for that matter."

Fuyutsuki winced at the non-politically correct-ness of Gendo's statement. "I think that the job description called for a man of not-so-excess girth with a jolly disposition." But the weariness came to him as well. "Now what are we going to do for the party tonight?"

It was at this time that Ritsuko made an appearance. "I have a plan!" she declared.

-----

"What was the plan again?" whimpered Shinji, but let Misato continue her ministrations on him. "And do I really have to do this?"

"Of course you do..." She made a few more adjustments and stepped back, eyeing Shinji carefully. "Wow, it looks good on you, Shinji!"

Shinji gazed at his reflection. A 14-year-old Evangelion pilot wearing a reindeer costume and deer antlers stared back. "I think I'm going to die."

"There you go again, Shinji," she sighed in exasperation. "Why don't you act like a man for once." She placed a shiny-red globe on Shinji's nose. "Look at Rei, she's not complaning one bit."

"But Rei is Rei is Rei!" complained Shinji, but turned his eyes to the First Child. She looked positively stunning in her Christmas elf costume.

Shinji looked once more at his dopey reflection. "Why does it seem that I'm always at the losing end of the deal?" Shinji whimpered again.

Misato shook her head and gave up. "But at least," she compromised, "someone else got the short straw this time..."

-----

"...and I want my own Bible Action Figure, the new King David with the Slingshot Spin button...and...uh...the walking and talking Gorbachev doll so I could complete my Soviet Union leaders doll collection...and...uh...my own Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo Construction Set...and...I...have I told you about the Bible Action Figure yet, Santa?"

Asuka, wearing her thermal plug suit, a red hat and her infamous beard groaned at the kid on her lap and on the long line of children still waiting outside. "WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?"

closing song:

shinji, the spineless baka  
had a pathetic attitude  
and if you ever saw him  
you'd say he lacked aptitude

all of the other people  
used to laugh and call him names  
they never let poor Shinji  
join in any reindeer game

then one balmy regular day  
gendo came to say  
'shinji, with your utter plight  
won't you ride the EVA tonight?'

all of the other people  
went out of their way to flee  
shinji, the spineless baka  
will put an end to history

will put an end to history!

epilogue

---------

Classes stared a few days later.

"It's a good thing you managed to get that beard off," Shinji tried to make a decent conversation at the breakfast table. "Did you ever find out who switched your facial clenser with that tub of hairgrower?"

Asuka grunted and went to her room. "Let's just say they got what they deserve..." was all she said.

The doorbell chimed, Shinji opened the apartment door to find the angstful looking pair of Kensuke and Touji. "What happened to you guys?"

They looked at each other. "All we got for Christmas is a lump of coal!" they cried.

merry christmas to all, and to all a good fibrous diet!  
nikholas 'mayhem' f. toledo


End file.
